i've been busy lately and well, i'm exhausted now so this post is gonna be short. i logged on tonight to read, not planning to post, but i found it refreshing that i recognized so many of the screen names of the other users around here that i just had to post. i also find it slightly amusing that rocky hasn't posted on the front page since i've been gone... whats it been, 2 months?  i didn't even check.

anyway, i'll do a new layout soon and i'll be posting more. but for now my back is killing me, i gotta go take my pills and go to bed before i can't stand up, i'd hate to be stuck in this chair all night.

ok, well its been forever since i've been around. i've been online alot, i just didn't feel alot like writing. in all honestly, i still don't. but my husband just left and he could be gone anywhere from 3-6 months so i'm gonna be online alot. a bunch of stuff has happend since my last entry but i don't feel like sharing any of it right now, cause its in the past.

currently, i'm addicted to neopets.com, which for those of you that don't know, is a games site. i dunno why i like it so much, but i do. so thats where i've been hiding out.

my son is almost 10 months old now, and hes crawling, and starting to talk and i'm amazed every day by how much trouble one cute little boy can get into. but boys will be boys i suppose.

anyway, its summer time and i don't plan on wasting it infront of the computer, but i will be on more so if i have any readers left, check back soon. i'm off for today.

hello everyone! i know its been awhile since my last post, and i'm sorry. this post is gonna be pretty short too i'm sorry to say. i've bee really busy since the hubby's been home. i've also managed to somehow damage my back even further than i thought was possible. i started suffering from sever lower back pain while i was pregnant with my son (who is now 7 months old) and at the time everyone said it was just because i was pregnant and it would stop when he was born. by the time he was 3 months old, i went back to the dr. because it was still horrible, and they said it may take another month or two for it to feel normal. 7 months later its no better. now on top of the lower back pain i got carrying my son, i have upper back pain from lifting him. i cant win. so i have an appointment for next week. i hope to god they fix it. i'm gonna be pissed the hell off if they tell me that it'll fix itself again. anyway, i had planned to write more, but i'm tired, and my back hurts, i'll post again on sunday...

well, the hubbys home. he came home last sunday, and the first week has been interesting. i went off on him the first night he was home. i told him i hate his job and i hate him being gone all the time and i dont want to live like this. he totally agreed with me and swore things would change around here, even talked about getting out of the navy early. now hes back to pretending everythings fine. i think he thinks i can be bought off. he keeps offering to take me shopping, or to the bar, or anywhere else i could think to want to go. we went car shopping (used car shopping) the other day and he was actually willing to buy a rodeo  just cause i used to have one and i loved it... my husband is ultra picky when it comes to cars so i was shocked. turns out the car we were looking at was already sold, but thats beside the point. he even bought me concert tickets to go see flogging molly in 2 weeks, and hes not really into punk so i'm suprised. but as much as all this is nice, i cant help but feel like hes just trying to distract me. its just not like him, and i'm starting to get upset. i want a real solution to our problems. i dont want to be bought off. i'm still not used to having him around, and it seems like as soon as i get used to it, he'll be gone again, so whats the point? well, speaking of not being used to him being home, my house is a mess and we're having people over tomorrow so i gotta go clean. blah. i swear i'm gonna start duck taping all my hubbys shit to him while he sleeps, he just leaves a trail of junk everywhere he goes!

insomnia sucks. i've done all the cleaning i can do for one night. i havent slept yet, i've barely slept at all the past few days. i'm too tired to even think right now. i'm watching the morning news and i'm alittle disturbed. i'm not that into contiversial topics, i'm not all about putting my oppinions on anyone else, but sometimes i like to share my thoughts and hear the thoughts of others when it comes to such things. todays top stories locally are... um, its gonna snow sunday, and other than that, not much interesting here in CT, high gas prices, some politics, blah blah blah. so national news now, afew things are bothering me. first of all, it is my personal oppinion that if i hear martha stewarts name one more time i might throw up. do any of you actually care that shes out of jail? i mean, personally i think if she was guilty (which i have no oppinion on, cause i really didnt care enough to follow the trial) then she shoulda done more time, i certianly dont need to hear about her every day now that shes out just to be reminded. secondly... michel jackson, is it just me, or didn't we go through this already afew years back? child molester or not, hes creepy and weird. and even if he wasn't, and i dont care who i offend with this one, if a guy his age was accused of molesting kids before, and you as a parent let your kids go play with that guy and have sleep overs and what not, well shame on you! i'm not saying that makes it ok for him to do it again, but kids have no damn business having slumber parties with a grown man, or woman for that mater, and i don't really give a damn who they are. i think these kids parents need to be investigated. i mean, come on, if you dropped your kids off to play in traffic on a busy highway you'd be in big trouble, and would probably loose your kids, so why do these parents get to drop their kids of in another potentialy dangerous situation and hes the only one in trouble. dont get me wrong, he should be in trouble, but didn't these kids have parents? and isnt it likely that those parents only let their kids go be in this situation with the hopes that something like this would happen so they could sue him? i don't have all the facts, as i watch as little of the news as possible (i only watch at all when i'm severly bored), but this bothers me.

ok, one last thing and i'll be done. Terri Schiavo. i don't know a whole lot about this subject either. i'm under the impression that she didnt leace her wishes in writing, kinda a bad move. i'm only 22 years old but i've informed ALL of my family the best i can what i'd want done for me in such situations, and even that i would prefer to be creamated in the event of my death, just to avoid any confusion. i've also put it in writing. might not do much good, i'm sure they'd do as the damn well pleased, or what they thought was best, but atleast they wouldn't be confused or conflicted about my personal wishes. sorry, i'm tired and rambling, thats so not my point. this botheres me, they keep showing video clips of this poor woman in the hospice where shes at, and in some of them you see her smiling ( i know her face is messed up, but it sure looks like a smile to me). i dont really know what the extent of her brain damage is either, but my point is i'm assuming she still has some feelings, shes awake, shes somewhat aware of her surroundings.... i hope you get my point. she doesnt appear to be a vegtable in a coma... and starving to death doesn't sound like much fun to me. how can they do this to her? i'm not saying i'd want to live like that, but i certianly would rather that than be starved to death. if she was on life support to keep her breathing, or something i'd understand, but if they take away her feeding tube, i don't think its the same thing. thats going to be a slow, no doubt painful death. if you lock someone in a room somewhere and dont allow them food and they die, you murdered them. isn't that basically what they plan to do to her? maybe i should keep my oppinions about things i don't know alot about to myself, but i think i will spend the rest of the day thinking about this, so i had to mention it.  

as an after thought i did a look up of terri on the web, and after some reading i think i understand that she isnt as aware of her surroundings as she looks, which really isn't saying much. but i still cant help but wonder if she'll feel herself starving to death. i just dont like it.

sorry i havent been around so much the past few days. i guess if you've never been to my blog before, you dont care, but to my buddies and faithful visitors, i appologize. the hubby is due back home soon, could be tomorrow, could be next friday, i'm not exactly sure. i've had alot of house work that i had put off cause i work better under pressure. that and i've been trying to ween myself off the computer. when the hubby does get home, i'll probably on get to post twice a week, cause i try to stay off the computer and spend time with him.

i want to thank everyone for their support and encouragement after my last post. its been 3 days since i smoked. the patch isnt working so well, but i'm hanging in there. a friend of mine suggested hard candy, and that helps alot. BTW, when the hell did life savers change the green ones from lime to watermellon??? and who of you knew and didnt tell me? i bought three big bags of "ORIGINAL 5 FLAVORS!"  and was horrified to find that lime, which was my favorite is now water-fuckin-mellon! BLAH AND GAG! and the purple ones are what, wild berry. original 5 flavors my ass, those bastards.

 anyway, i need to go, i have landry to do, and floors to scrub... i've been a slacker around the house too long, now i've gotta slack off with the online fun :(

i've lost count of how many days the hubby has been gone. at this point i dont care. he'll be home in roughly a week. i dont really care about that either, as bad as that sounds. when he gets home theres going to be a war so i'm not really excited. i've decided that i'm absolutly misserable in this life, and i shouldnt be. some thing(s) hafta change around here. i've decided some things need to change. i love my husband, and i love my son. i love our two dogs, and our house. i hate my life. i dont know whats missing. i dont like his job. that shouldnt be enough to make me miserable, but maybe it is. i've come up with three possible solutions and i know my husband is going to hate all of them. short of him quitting his job, which would be next to impssible, i'm not sure anything will make me happy, but these things might help.

1.) i want a babysitter 2-4 days a month for my son. i know, i'm a stay at home mom, but every damn body that works gets a day off now and then, i think i deserve it.

2.) i think its time i go on some medication. i was diagnosed with sever depresion at a young age, but my mother didnt approve of medication for such things at a young age. since then, things got better, but recently, they started getting bad again. i've talked to my husband about getting help, he says all sorts of degrading things about taking medication. i think its time to try.

3.) i think we need counseling. maybe not long term, but when i try to talk to him here, he ignores me. i think counseling might atleast open his eyes to the fact that he needs to start listening to me.

i'm sure hes not going to like any of this, but it has to happen. i'm not letting things go back to the way they were.

anyway, on to the topic at hand. i got a package in the mail from my "gay boyfriend" today. the new tori amos cd!!! b has been my best friend since as long as i can remember. we dated a bit in high school and college, but we obviously wern't ment to be. he is my best friend in the whole world, and i think every girl should be so lucky as to have a gay boyfriend as wonderful as mine. one of the things we have always shared is a love for tori amos. afew years ago i managed to get us tickets to one of her concerts, and its a memory i will always treasure. today, as i opened my package (which i was totally not expecting) i realized again how nice it is to have a friend like him. one that thinks of me compleatly out of the blue, and one thats been such a good friend for such a very long time. i talked to him online tonight, and thanked him for thinking of me, and i was totaly thrilled to find out that he might be comming to visit me this summer. my he and my hubby are also friends so i think ed will be excited to hear about that too. well, i've got some work to do around the house so i better get going.

by this time tomorrow i'll have my dishnetwork back! yay! they called me twice today to remind me. the first time was ok, even tho they called at 7am on a saturday. at least they didn't forget me. so no sooner did i crawl back into bed and fall asleep than the phone rang a second time. the same lady said the same speach. i have never wanted to strangle anyone so bad before, but instead i simply asked her if shes ever been stuck in the house for over a month with a 6 month old baby, while her husband is out to sea, with no television? she didn't answer right away, so i assured her again, that i would most definately be here and i damn well expect her people to show up before 12. she chuckled to herself and mumbled something about imagining that i would be here. so i asked her if it would be to much trouble to cross my name off her reminder list, as she had alreaddy called me not even an hour earlier. she appologized and assured me that she was sure she hadnt called. liar. 

anyway, i spent most of the day cleaning, my house is almost there, which is good, cause i have alittle less than 2 weeks left before my husband comes home. other than the laundry that i refuse to fold on the grounds that it belongs to my husband, and he wont bother to to fold it his own damn self so i dont feel as tho i should either, and my sons room which is a mess of clothes and things hes outgrown, i'm done.

after i loaded the dishwasher, i sat down to a nice pasta dinner (yes, i actually cooked, screw that tv dinner crap!) and decided that i'd have a glass of wine. i bought a good, ok semi decent  bottle yesterday, but hadn't opened it yet. so i was about to open it, when the corkscrew snapped of in the cork. i was stunned. i sat here for about ten minutes in total disbelief of my horrible luck. so i got up, wandered around the kitchen wondering exactly what the hell i could do now. i had nothing. so i was on my way back to the livingroom, when i noticed my husbands cordless drill. i don't know what made me think this would work, but i grabbed the drill, a screw, and a pair of pliers. do you see where this is going? i screwed the screw into the cork with the drill, and then held the screw with the pliers and pulled with all my might, and amazingly it worked. i'm not exactly sure that the wine was worth that much trouble, but i felt like i accomplished something.  and speaking of acomplishing, i'm still in the process of redesigning my blog, and i need to go work on that.

did you ever get the feeling that you were having "one of those days" and before you knew what hit you "one of those days had turned into "one of those months"?

nate threw the worst tantrum hes had so far tonight. i'm still not sure why, i'm just glad its over, and i dont care to discus it. afterwards, my nevers were so shot that i actually started breaking out in hives. after i put him to bed, i decided i needed to relax, so i sat here and smoked a cigarette and thought about how to go about relaxing. i decided a nice hot bubble bath, with a waterproof toy(i'm not going into details here), candles, and afterwards a glass of wine and a tori amos cd would do the trick. i really didnt think i was asking for too much. i had forgoten that i was doing a load of dishes in the dishwasher, so i hardly had any hot water left, i'm out of bubble bath, the batteries in my toy were just about dead, and the wine i bought last week is more like a wine cooler and i cant stand it. so instead of my perfect relaxing evening, i took a mildly warm bath, i tried to use my sons bedtime bath stuff but it didnt bubble and now i smell like nates butt, i gave up on the toy all together and i'm now sitting here with my candles, drinking beer (yuck) and listening to tori. its ok i guess, but i'm really starting to wonder why everything keeps going wrong.

i started working on a new layout tonight. i love the girl on this one, but i couldn't find another one like her that fit what i was looking for. i think this layout is too pink, and too cluttered, the next one will be better i hope.

so last night i sat here for afew hours wondering what to do about my tv situation. i almost convinced myself that i really wanted cable internet enough to dump my dish, and get cable tv. this morning my hubby called and was gonna call dishnetwork for me, but i told him i would deal with no tv for two weeks till he gets home, and in the meantime,  i would consider which we would get when he gets home. we went 7 months with no tv when i was pregnant, cause i had really bad mrning sickness, and slept most of the time, and he was always at work. when i woke up one morning and realized that we had been watching the weather channel for 3 days straight, nobody had changed the channel, or turned the tv off. i decided to just get rid of the cable altogether. of course by the time i was 7 months pregnant, i was litterally to fat to fit behind the wheel of a car (i'm very short, so i have to have the seat all the way up to reach the petals) so we had to get the tv back, since i was trapped in the house. my point is, i've lived without tv. i know i dont need it, but i want it. i can think of a million reasons why its bad, but it has its good points, one of them being that i'm afraid to be here alone, and it drowns out all the little noises that otherwise scare the hell out of me. so i spent all day sitting here telling myself i didnt need it. by 6pm, i decided to make some calls. first i called comcast. i got 3 different price quotes from 3 different people. finally i talked to a nice man who explained all the prices for me and told me the exact price per month for what i wanted. for basic digital cable, a dvr, and internet it would cost me $113.00 per month. he says this is a good price. i'm almost willing to pay that, but i decided i should call dishnetwork first. i currently pay $54.00 a month for my dish, with dvr, local channels, and hbo. this is more than i would get with cable. i'm not sure that cable internet is worth the extra money. so i called dishnetwork, i figured they would charge me the usual $99.00 for comming out, plus whatever the price was for a new dish. i decided before i called that if it was gonna cost more than $113.00 (and i was sure it would) that i would just switch, since my hubby and i both really want faster internet, and we've already spent $300.00 on service calls to dishnetwork. (this is not the first time the dish has been messed up, altho it is the first time i was gonna need a whole new dish, as mine smashed to bits in last nights wind). so i call, and i explain to the girl on the phone that because i live in navy housing i cant mount the dish on my house, so it was on a pole. we had a really windy night last night, and i was gonna need a new dish because the whole pole fell over, smashing my dish to bits on the concreate. silence on the other end of the line. so i said i needed a price for a new dish, and for the service call. silence. after afew seconds she say "your dish...blew over and...smashed to bits....that really sucks!" she was obviously new, and probably younger than me. i laughed "yeah, it sure does! so how much is this gonna cost me?" she was quiet for a minute and then she asked about my husband being in the navy, and pointed out that i'm not on the account so if i was gonna cost anything, he would need to approve it. i thought about going into a big sob story, and decided not to, and not to threaten to switch to cable. instead, i simply said that i just wanted a price. i think she knew that ment i already had a price quote from somewhere else, so she said she was going to put me on hold and speak to a manager. 5 minutes later, she comes back and asks me if i'll be home sunday morning 8-12. i said i would. she says that they would replace the dish at no charge, and usually they would charge an instalation fee of $120.00, but since a) i didnt break the dish, an act of God did b) theres notes on my account that i have stayed with them even tho i have had ALOT of trouble c) i dont have inssurance in my area but theres a note on the account that i want it as soon as its availible in my area and d) i ALWAYS pay my bill early they are waving all fees. so i guess its dishnetwork then. i really would love to have cable internet, but free is for me. so even tho i'm missing the new southpark eppisode tonight, i'll have my tv back in time for [adult swim] on the cartoon network sunday night. yay!! (i know, i'm a dork, but i cant help it)

warning, if the f word offends you, skip this post.

day 25

its snowing here in ct. again. the hubby is in ga and keeps calling me to bitch about the rain. screw him. ya know, i've tried to keep my use of the f word to a minumum here, but this is just one of those days that makes me say fuck. if you don't like it, quit reading now, cause i got a fealing its gonna get alot worse. the tire on my car is flat again. its snowing in fucking march. my husband is gone, its been 25 fucking days since i saw him, and i've got another 2 weeks atleast till he comes home. even when he does come home i just found out he'll only be here for about a week, then they leave again for an unknown amount of time, and them after that, they were supposed to leave in june for 5 months, but they'll be leaving sooner than expected. so in the next 6 months, i might get to see my husband 2 weeks, and out of that time, he'll spend almost all of it at work. sounds kinda crappy. well, it gets better. its not just snowing here, its also increadibly windy. we live in navy housing, and we have dishnetwork. we arent allowed to mount the dish to the house, so its on a pole in the yard. well, the pole blew over and smashed my dish. so now i have no fucking tv, no fucking car, and no fucking husband. this is bullshit. i cant even call dishnetwork because a) it will cost $99.00 for them to come out b) i'll hafta buy a new dish, and i dont even want to know how much that will cost and c) my name isnt on the fucking account (all the bills are in my husbands name, cause hes the one with the job, i asked him to add me, and thought he had, but no) so they wont fix it for me. i know its just a tv and it shouldnt be a big deal, but it fucking is to me right now. it was one of the few things i had left since my husbands gone and i'm practically a prisoner in my own damn house. i love my husband dearly, but its days like this that make me wonder if it was really worth moving away from my friends and family to be with him, when i dont even get that much out of the deal. oh fuck it.

i haven't been updating my blog quite as much the past few days. i dunno, there for awhile, i just didn't have anything else to do but blog. i've been playing alot of games online this week, and chatting, and trying to clean my house, so i guess thats why i've slacked off here. i'm still planning on updating frequently, but maybe every few hours was just too much to begin with, lol.

so anyway, i talked to the hubby earlier. not much exciting there, it will still be afew weeks till i see him, and he can't help me get stuff done around the house via phone, so i honestly wasn't too excited.

two things on my mind tonight. first of all, i've been trying to clean my house for about 3 weeks now, lol. its not that bad, theres just alot of clutter and ii feel like i should do something about it. also alot of little things, like waxing the floors and dusting that should be done, but nothing that makes the house gross or anything. still, i feel like i should be doing this stuff, and at the same time, it doesnt feel all that important, and i'm just not motivated. ya ever feel that way? and how do you push yourself to do something that you know it would be nice if you did, but it doesn't *need* to be done, and you really just don't wanna?

secondly, i was sitting here earlier and one of my hubbys friends stopped by, and then my neighbor came over. i really don't like being here alone, but i hate uninvited company. plus, after 3 weeks of spending most of my time online, and not with reall people, i kindof don't feel like talking to these people. blah. so, they invited themselves over, and we're sitting here talking, and i zoned out. i mean, i had plans for the night... as lame as my plans may seem, still... i had plans. i was gonna sit here with a glass of wine and some candles, and relax, watch meaningless tv, play computer games and maybe chat online. maybe i should have been glad to have company, but i was alittle pissed. neither of them asked me what i had planned to do tonight. and neither of them acted like they were gonna leave any time soon. i couldn't for the life of me think of how to get rid of them. i was mad at mike anyway cause he only came over to check his email on my computer, even tho last week he was too busy to help me with the flat tire. so i said that i had planned on playing around online for abit, and then i was gonna call it a night. they both started in on me about how i should let them stay and we'd hang out.. blah blah blah. obviously if i wanted to do that, i wouldn't have mentioned that i had other plans. eventually my neighbor got bored and left, so i kicked mikeout, claiming to be tired, and not in the mood to hang out. still the nerve of these people! ugh. really, if i want to be a hermit, thats my damn business!

i hate disney. for years they have broght us movies that have meaningful lessons that nobody ever remembers because they are too busy crying. then, when you finally convince yourself that a movie might be worth owning, you have to wait till your a hundred years old to buy it, cause its "in the disney vault". its just a movie people! grr. (sorry, the bambi comercial is really starting to urk me.) so now i'm sitting here watching "higglytown heros" on toon disney with nate. he loves this show. its about as dumb as anything i've seen on tv so far. i hardly ever let him watch anything that isn't blues clues or sponge bob (which actually gets put on the tv for my husband more than for my son, but nate likes the bright colors) but every now and then, if hes being especially sweet, i'll let him watch one of these other silly shows. i'm not even gonna get in to the stupidity of this show... but this is really dumb, its march, and the eppisode thats on is about christmas. why can't disney put christmas episodes of all their shows in the damn "disney vault"? thank goodness nate is to young to care, i can almost hear myself trying to explain to him the concept of christmas comming once a year if he was just alittle older. seems like they waited just long enough for most little kids to forget about christmas, just to bring this episode out and remind them. stupid disney.

day 22

so yesterday, a friend sent me to go check out neopets.com. i think i'm addicted now. for those of you that don't know, neopets are incredibly ugly, yet somehow addictive, virtual pets. you go and create or addopt the ugly little guy of your choice, then you hafta feed it, play with it, buy it stuff, and teach it things. or atleast thats what i've figured out so far. they have games for you to play, and then you earn points, you use the points (which are only slightly less useless, but much harder to get, than tbucks) to buy food, toys, homes, books and God only knows what else for your pet.this is stupid. but when you consider the countless hours i've spent playing yahoo! games, atleast there are useless points involved here. whatever. i think this one goes on the list of things that make me a dork. lol

considering i've killed more fish than i can count in the past year because i simply forgot about them, even tho the fish tank is right in my living room, i wonder how long it'll take me to kill my virtual pet? 

day 21

dear lord i'm exhausted. i took the boy out shopping today. apparently i fixed the tire the other day, cause it still isn't flat! yay! so anyway, we went back to evil walmart, and i bought afew more of the sippy cups he liked best. he actually liked most of the ones i bought last time, *shock & supprise*. but as always there was one that he was especially partial to, so i went back today to clean them out of all the ones they had like it, lol. thank goodness he liked the cheep one. anyway, after that, we went grocery shopping. i decided i would try something new since he hates the baby food meats and the pre-packaged meat dinner mixes. i had been trying to mix the meats with veggies, to no avail. so i went back to the single meats and tried mixing them with fruit, and he actually ate it without any fuss. will wonders never cease? so we picked up some baby food, and more tv dinners from me, and then came home. no big adventure or anything. it did make me realize how compleatly my social skills have deteriorated.. i think i talked to the cashier (and afew people in line) way more than was necisary to just be polite. i found myself mumbling to myself on more than one occasion, and i'm pretty sure anyone else within earshot thought i had lost my mind. i tried to play it off like i was talking to the boy, but i don't think anyone bought it. whatever. i'm happy, i restocked the house enough that i can go atleast another 2 weeks living like a hermit before i'll have to venture out again. its just as well. between the bags and the baby i think my back is broken, my legs and feet are killin me, and i'm pretty sure i pulled a muscle in my shoulder lifting nate (in his carseat) in and out of the car. ugh. i'm falling apart.

 law and order: trial by jury is premiering right now. i'm gonna go watch it. i don't know how good its gonna be but i'm intrested to see the final preformances of jerry orabach, cause he's the whole reason i ever liked law and order to start with.

i was sitting here eating popcorn and drinking a glass of wine and watching "futurama" on [adult swim] on the cartoon network. the professor made a comment that made me laugh so hard wine almost came out my nose. "afew years  ago i tried to sign on to aol, and it just connected! we're logged on to the internet!" (ok, maybe thats not a direct quote, the show went off a half hour ago, what do you want from me?) i dont use aol, but thats how i feel about my isp sometimes.
now theres nothing on tv, nobody online, and its too cold to sit here in front of this computer for no reason. i was trying to make a new layout, this one is just too pink, but i'm un-inspired. i think i'm gonna go clean for a bit, and then its off to bed. maybe i'll get to sleep before dawn tonight! that would be cool!

what the hell is wrong with people? i'm watchin the news and some guy got arrested for possesion of pot, no supprise right? well, get this, he had 25 lbs of pot, wrapped in plastic wrap, in a box, mailed to him!!!! who does this crap?? i guess i shouldn't be too suprised, i mean, i think we all know who does that crap. people that are dumb enough to mail large quantities of drugs, are probably the same people that do large quantities of drugs.

sorry about the last post, i was in a bit of a mood. i think i'm over it now that i've had a good laugh for the night...

i'm having one of those days. one of those days where i just want to yell and scream and kick shit. i don't really know why. i mean, nothing has really changed to make me feel this way, everything is the same today as its been for the past 20 days. that might be the problem. i'm sick to death of being alone here, i'm sick of being the only one cleaning up baby spit and changing diapers and getting up early to feed the ungreatful little brat. i'm sick of all the responsibilities being dumped on me. i'm sick of taking out the trash, and doing the laundry, and washing dishes. i'm sick of tv dinners.  i haven't seen my husband in 20 days, and i have no idea when he's comming home. i dont really give a shit at this point. he has no appreciation for all the crap i go through. he hardly has writen to me at all and when he did, it was just to say he's jealous of me having so much fun at home. Jealous!!! HA!! i wrote back and told him i'd rather be in prison, atleast there i'd have a chance of being somebodys bitch. i love my husband, but he has no idea what i go thru, and he dosen't seem to care. i love my son too, more than anything, but the longer my husband is gone, the more my son acts like a total asshole (i know, he's just 6 months old, i shouldn't call him an asshole, but there is no other way to descibe his attitude here recently.) i know the kid misses his dad, and how the fuck do you explain the workings of the navy to a baby? you cant. so he doesnt understand. and my son has never really liked me all that much from the start, he simply puts up with me cause i give him what he wants and needs. at heart he's a daddys boy. so the longer daddy is gone, the more frustrated with me he seems to get. i'm just sick of not being apreciated, and being alone and having to do everything by myself. this isn't what i signed up for when i got married. if i wanted to be alone, i would have stay single. i'm not really looking for advice here, and i'm really not in the mood for sympathy, i just needed to rant alittle. sorry.

holy damn its cold in here. its cold outside, and my walls are about as thick as one ply toilet paper, so of course its cold in here. it snowed again last night. not alot, but even one flurry is one more than i want to see at this point. its march!! wheres my springtime? wheres my sunshine? i hate conneticut.  i hate this house. i hate being cold. i shouldnt have to wear 3 layers just to sit around in my own house. i just wish i was someplace warm. and in the forcast? snow again on sunday, and pretty much every day between then and march 11th. yay! i gotta go, my fingers are too cold for typing.

day 20

so, i fixed the tire today. atleast i think i did. i am amazed, i figured out why the tire had the "slow leak". it was really simple actually. the valve was missing its cap. on some cars, that might not mean alot. on my car, its the differance between having a tire, and having a flat. my husband was a mechanic for 12 years before he joined the navy, he was filling the tire ever 2 or 3 days before he left, he had to notice that there was no cap on the valve. i couldn't believe it. i wish he was here so i could tell him how simple it was. we have another car, that doesnt run, and has a flat tire on it too, so i took the valve cap off that tire and put it on my car, after using some fix-a-flat shit to fill the tire back up. hopefuly that's al that was wrong with it.

i'd like to send a big thanks out to rocky for fixing the issues we were having earlier. (altho i dont think we should have had those issuses to begin with). i think everything is working now. btw, anyone know of a better blog host? i've already been through blogger, blogdrive, diaryland, and livejournal.

anyway, i finally got the baby walker put together. the box said some assembly required, and batteries not included (its got toys that light up and play music). what the box failed to say was that i would need a man, or atleast the strength of a man, to put the damn thing together.  the man was also not included. must be sold separately or something. anyway, i spent 3 hours screaming, crying, throwing things, reading the instructions, kicking and stomping, and i finally got it. i'd cheer, but then i put the boy in it (i was so excited i woke him up to put him in it) and then i realized that even on its shortest setting, his feet dont touch the ground. i'm only 4'11", and my hole family is short, my hubby is pretty short (for a guy) and shortness runs in his family abit too. the boy is screwed. so the baby walker has become a baby stand. he loves it tho, he kicks his feet, and plays with the toys. i think he'll grow into it soon, but i'm alittle disapointed. oh well.

well, i think i am officially screwed. i know whats wrong with my layout now, but i have no control over fixing it. aparently i am no longer a pro user. i paid for my account last month, and i was under the impression that it was a year subscription... when i log in it says welcome back, dysfunction1018! ProUser! but i was randomly clicking on things on the links on the links on the main page, mostly out of boredom, and i clicked on the "why go pro" link... and at the bottom of the page it says "you are currently a basic user" this really sucks.. i hate getting ripped off. the ONLY reason i paid for my account was for the custom layout. now i cant even get that. i've tried contacting tblog unsuccessfuly before, but hopefully this time they will respond. otherwise i'm not sure what course of action to take.

(btw, all of my other pro user functions seem to be working just fine. go figure.)