diary of a dysfunctional doll

one of those days...

03.02.05 (3:43 pm)

i'm having one of those days. one of those days where i just want to yell and scream and kick shit. i don't really know why. i mean, nothing has really changed to make me feel this way, everything is the same today as its been for the past 20 days. that might be the problem. i'm sick to death of being alone here, i'm sick of being the only one cleaning up baby spit and changing diapers and getting up early to feed the ungreatful little brat. i'm sick of all the responsibilities being dumped on me. i'm sick of taking out the trash, and doing the laundry, and washing dishes. i'm sick of tv dinners. i haven't seen my husband in 20 days, and i have no idea when he's comming home. i dont really give a shit at this point. he has no appreciation for all the crap i go through. he hardly has writen to me at all and when he did, it was just to say he's jealous of me having so much fun at home. Jealous!!! HA!! i wrote back and told him i'd rather be in prison, atleast there i'd have a chance of being somebodys bitch. i love my husband, but he has no idea what i go thru, and he dosen't seem to care. i love my son too, more than anything, but the longer my husband is gone, the more my son acts like a total asshole (i know, he's just 6 months old, i shouldn't call him an asshole, but there is no other way to descibe his attitude here recently.) i know the kid misses his dad, and how the fuck do you explain the workings of the navy to a baby? you cant. so he doesnt understand. and my son has never really liked me all that much from the start, he simply puts up with me cause i give him what he wants and needs. at heart he's a daddys boy. so the longer daddy is gone, the more frustrated with me he seems to get. i'm just sick of not being apreciated, and being alone and having to do everything by myself. this isn't what i signed up for when i got married. if i wanted to be alone, i would have stay single. i'm not really looking for advice here, and i'm really not in the mood for sympathy, i just needed to rant alittle. sorry.

posted by: jennirae269
post date: 03.02.05 (5:04 pm)

Rant on.

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100... no, wait, 80 things you might like to know about me:
1. i love being a mom.
2. i love being married, but i hate being a navy wife.
3. my son is 6 months old.
4. i am terrified of dogs.
5. i have two chihuahuas.
6. i get frustrated very easily.
7. my dogs are not always well behaved, especially when other people are around.
8. my son is only well behaved whenever other people are around.
9. i love them anyway.
10. i hate the military.
11. i married my husband anyway.
12. i know close to nothing about his job.
13. not even his rate or rank.
14. i like it that way, but other people think i'm weird.
15. i love tori amos.
16. and ani difranco.
17. i wanted to give you a more interestingprofie than the normal "name age location" thing.
18. i dye my hair red.
19. i've been dying it since i was 15
20. my hair has been gray since around the same time i started dating my husband, when i was 19.
21. my husband and i started "talking" on august 29th 2002.
22. we became a real couple on oct. 19th 2002.
23. we were married on oct. 18th, 2003. my 21st b-day.
24. my sons due date was aug. 28th, 2004.
25. he was born or august 22 tho, so the coincidence ends there.
26. my favorite color is purple.
27. i was born in philly, but moved to virginia when i was 4.
28. i live in CT now, cause home is where the navy sends me.
29. my husband is almost 10 years older than me.
30. he acts 10 years younger than me.
31. i love summer.
32. i like the beach, but the water is nasty, and i hate sand.
33. one of goals in life is to go to a beach with clear blue water.
34. i dream of going to new orleans someday.
35. i have a sneeking suspicion than new orleans in my dreams is the way it was along time ago, and going there today would probably be quite a shock to me.
36. i'm afraid of the dark.
37. i love walking in the rain in the summer.
38. i fell in love with my husband when he convinced me to have kids.
39. i never wanted children, but i love my son more than life.
40. i am shy, but you wouldn't know it if you knew me.
41. i'm a bitch and i know it.
42. girls piss me off.
43. my life is one binge after another, i going on cleaning rampages, i get obbsessed with blogging, i spend days at a time doing just one thing, and then i move on.
44. i hate that about myself.
45. i'm 22 years old and i sleep with a stuffed bear.
46. i have panic attacks when i drive.
47. i hate big crowds of people i dont know.
48. i love big crowds of my friends.
49. i don't drive much.
50. i loved the movie "Donnie Darko" but after watching it 13 times i still don't have a clue what happened or what it was about.
51. if you could explain it to me i'd be thrilled.
52. i'm dyslexic.
53. i read at a college reading level when i was in 7th grade.
54. i used to be pagan. now i'm not religious.
55. i don't think of myself as a pessimist but others would say i am.
56. i have low expectations to avoid being dissapointed, but i'm happy when things exceed my expectations.
57. i have a very large vocabulary, but i dont use it much because i'm afraid of being misunderstood.
58. i compleatly forgot what i was going to say here.
59. i am a horrible speller.
60. i remember now.
61. i type using 2 fingers on my right hand, but i'm pretty fast and i know where all the keys are... most of the time.
62. my husband makes a perfect omlet.
63. he tried to teach me how, but mine are always ugly.
64. i want ever product i have ever seen an info-mercial for.
65. i hate being compared to other people.
66. i dont understand how the same man who on rare occasion says or does something that takes my breath away and makes me feel whole and safe and wonderful, is the same man who pisses me off so easily by leaving his boots at the botom of the stairs where he knows i'll trip on them or forgets to put the toilet seat down so i fall in when i pee in the middle of the night.
67. i dropped out of college because i was bored.
68. i have clear memories of a trip i took to england when i was 4 years old, but i can't remeber where i put the keys this morning.
69. i met my husband, the love of my life, working in a deli.
70. i loved him the second i saw him, but it took us almost 2 years to get together.
71. i try not to have unrealistic goals in life.
72. sometimes i cry in the shower for no reason.
73. i used to cry every day. now i hardly ever let anyone see me cry.
74. i have never farted in front of my husband, i don't think i am physically able to.
75. i want to be great at something.
76. i dont know what.
77. i like rap, alternative, and countless other types of music.
78. i'm bored.
79. i'm 22, and i have a 14 year old step daughter.
80. my goal was to think of 100 things about myself to tell you here, but i'm tired, so i'll quit while i'm ahead.