diary of a dysfunctional doll

a gift from my "gay boyfriend"

03.14.05 (7:01 pm)

i've lost count of how many days the hubby has been gone. at this point i dont care. he'll be home in roughly a week. i dont really care about that either, as bad as that sounds. when he gets home theres going to be a war so i'm not really excited. i've decided that i'm absolutly misserable in this life, and i shouldnt be. some thing(s) hafta change around here. i've decided some things need to change. i love my husband, and i love my son. i love our two dogs, and our house. i hate my life. i dont know whats missing. i dont like his job. that shouldnt be enough to make me miserable, but maybe it is. i've come up with three possible solutions and i know my husband is going to hate all of them. short of him quitting his job, which would be next to impssible, i'm not sure anything will make me happy, but these things might help.

1.) i want a babysitter 2-4 days a month for my son. i know, i'm a stay at home mom, but every damn body that works gets a day off now and then, i think i deserve it.

2.) i think its time i go on some medication. i was diagnosed with sever depresion at a young age, but my mother didnt approve of medication for such things at a young age. since then, things got better, but recently, they started getting bad again. i've talked to my husband about getting help, he says all sorts of degrading things about taking medication. i think its time to try.

3.) i think we need counseling. maybe not long term, but when i try to talk to him here, he ignores me. i think counseling might atleast open his eyes to the fact that he needs to start listening to me.

i'm sure hes not going to like any of this, but it has to happen. i'm not letting things go back to the way they were.

anyway, on to the topic at hand. i got a package in the mail from my "gay boyfriend" today. the new tori amos cd!!! b has been my best friend since as long as i can remember. we dated a bit in high school and college, but we obviously wern't ment to be. he is my best friend in the whole world, and i think every girl should be so lucky as to have a gay boyfriend as wonderful as mine. one of the things we have always shared is a love for tori amos. afew years ago i managed to get us tickets to one of her concerts, and its a memory i will always treasure. today, as i opened my package (which i was totally not expecting) i realized again how nice it is to have a friend like him. one that thinks of me compleatly out of the blue, and one thats been such a good friend for such a very long time. i talked to him online tonight, and thanked him for thinking of me, and i was totaly thrilled to find out that he might be comming to visit me this summer. my he and my hubby are also friends so i think ed will be excited to hear about that too. well, i've got some work to do around the house so i better get going.

posted by: Roxgirl
post date: 03.15.05 (8:41 am)

You poor woman. I think you deserve a break too... your husband has no idea what it's like to stay home all day!!!

I say get the babysitter before you decide on the drugs... time to YOURRSELF might be all you need!!!

posted by: FinalyFree
post date: 03.15.05 (12:49 pm)

You ABSOLUTELY need some time away. I never had a sitter but I did have a 'Mother's Day Out' program. It saved my life!

You've got insurance hon, you should check into some medicationl. I don't think diagnosed depression is something goes away. I'm not Dr. but it doesn't seem like it would.

You know how I feel about the counseling :) I'll let you know in a few weeks how it's going for us!

You can't beat friends, can ya?
*hugs*

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100... no, wait, 80 things you might like to know about me:
1. i love being a mom.
2. i love being married, but i hate being a navy wife.
3. my son is 6 months old.
4. i am terrified of dogs.
5. i have two chihuahuas.
6. i get frustrated very easily.
7. my dogs are not always well behaved, especially when other people are around.
8. my son is only well behaved whenever other people are around.
9. i love them anyway.
10. i hate the military.
11. i married my husband anyway.
12. i know close to nothing about his job.
13. not even his rate or rank.
14. i like it that way, but other people think i'm weird.
15. i love tori amos.
16. and ani difranco.
17. i wanted to give you a more interestingprofie than the normal "name age location" thing.
18. i dye my hair red.
19. i've been dying it since i was 15
20. my hair has been gray since around the same time i started dating my husband, when i was 19.
21. my husband and i started "talking" on august 29th 2002.
22. we became a real couple on oct. 19th 2002.
23. we were married on oct. 18th, 2003. my 21st b-day.
24. my sons due date was aug. 28th, 2004.
25. he was born or august 22 tho, so the coincidence ends there.
26. my favorite color is purple.
27. i was born in philly, but moved to virginia when i was 4.
28. i live in CT now, cause home is where the navy sends me.
29. my husband is almost 10 years older than me.
30. he acts 10 years younger than me.
31. i love summer.
32. i like the beach, but the water is nasty, and i hate sand.
33. one of goals in life is to go to a beach with clear blue water.
34. i dream of going to new orleans someday.
35. i have a sneeking suspicion than new orleans in my dreams is the way it was along time ago, and going there today would probably be quite a shock to me.
36. i'm afraid of the dark.
37. i love walking in the rain in the summer.
38. i fell in love with my husband when he convinced me to have kids.
39. i never wanted children, but i love my son more than life.
40. i am shy, but you wouldn't know it if you knew me.
41. i'm a bitch and i know it.
42. girls piss me off.
43. my life is one binge after another, i going on cleaning rampages, i get obbsessed with blogging, i spend days at a time doing just one thing, and then i move on.
44. i hate that about myself.
45. i'm 22 years old and i sleep with a stuffed bear.
46. i have panic attacks when i drive.
47. i hate big crowds of people i dont know.
48. i love big crowds of my friends.
49. i don't drive much.
50. i loved the movie "Donnie Darko" but after watching it 13 times i still don't have a clue what happened or what it was about.
51. if you could explain it to me i'd be thrilled.
52. i'm dyslexic.
53. i read at a college reading level when i was in 7th grade.
54. i used to be pagan. now i'm not religious.
55. i don't think of myself as a pessimist but others would say i am.
56. i have low expectations to avoid being dissapointed, but i'm happy when things exceed my expectations.
57. i have a very large vocabulary, but i dont use it much because i'm afraid of being misunderstood.
58. i compleatly forgot what i was going to say here.
59. i am a horrible speller.
60. i remember now.
61. i type using 2 fingers on my right hand, but i'm pretty fast and i know where all the keys are... most of the time.
62. my husband makes a perfect omlet.
63. he tried to teach me how, but mine are always ugly.
64. i want ever product i have ever seen an info-mercial for.
65. i hate being compared to other people.
66. i dont understand how the same man who on rare occasion says or does something that takes my breath away and makes me feel whole and safe and wonderful, is the same man who pisses me off so easily by leaving his boots at the botom of the stairs where he knows i'll trip on them or forgets to put the toilet seat down so i fall in when i pee in the middle of the night.
67. i dropped out of college because i was bored.
68. i have clear memories of a trip i took to england when i was 4 years old, but i can't remeber where i put the keys this morning.
69. i met my husband, the love of my life, working in a deli.
70. i loved him the second i saw him, but it took us almost 2 years to get together.
71. i try not to have unrealistic goals in life.
72. sometimes i cry in the shower for no reason.
73. i used to cry every day. now i hardly ever let anyone see me cry.
74. i have never farted in front of my husband, i don't think i am physically able to.
75. i want to be great at something.
76. i dont know what.
77. i like rap, alternative, and countless other types of music.
78. i'm bored.
79. i'm 22, and i have a 14 year old step daughter.
80. my goal was to think of 100 things about myself to tell you here, but i'm tired, so i'll quit while i'm ahead.